More clarity when looking for a partner

"I want a relationship. But somehow it doesn't work out.” “I always meet the wrong people.” “If I had a relationship, so many things would be nicer.” The desire for a relationship is, in fact, a frequent topic in Mavie counselling sessions.

What considerations can support the search for a partner? 

As emotionally charged as the topic is, the sober first step in tackling it is to take stock. Reflect on the experiences, values and beliefs with which you approach the topic. These form the foundation on which you build the next relationship. What are your relationship experiences? Are there any open wounds from previous partnerships that need to heal? Do you notice any recurring patterns in your previous relationship biography? How are you currently doing? Professionally, privately, in terms of health, as a single person - alone, with friends, in your family?

The most important question

And finally, the most important question of all: What would be different if there were a partner? This so-called wonder question makes you aware of your wishes and desires and thus provides important guidance for the next steps in your search for a partner. Take ten minutes - or even a little longer - and write down the answers to the following three questions: If I had a partner ... What would be better? What would be worse? What would be different in my life? Security, adventure, eroticism, starting a family, relief, social position and much more might be on the "better" side. This gives information about our wishes and needs. Dependence, confinement, responsibility, compromise and much more may be on the "worse" side. This gives information about our fears and concerns. And small to fundamental changes in everyday life - welcome and less welcome - are inevitable with a new partner. Are you ready for this?

Why it sometimes doesn't work out

Sometimes the desire for a relationship is consciously or unconsciously sabotaged by another desire. Maybe by the desire for space or by the desire for independence, security, control, etc. Then it is important to clarify whether it has to be an either-or. Or whether this can be transformed into a both-as well. Sometimes so many desires and needs are projected onto a relationship that the person behind the potential partner is hardly seen or not seen at all. The other person may be doing exactly the same thing. This can go well for a while, the projections can even complement each other. But sooner or later they fade. And then it becomes clear whether there is love for the real person beyond the infatuation with the projection surface.

And sometimes what attracts us is not congruent with what we desire! What sounds like a contradiction at first is often experienced as such: The attraction can be great, but the everyday relationship is troublesome to catastrophic. Attraction has many different causes. Some are better left unexplored and simply enjoyed. However, if attraction repeatedly leads to unsatisfactory relationship contexts, it is helpful to explore and disenchant the mechanisms behind attraction.